Today, until I went to the homeroom teacher to get early dismissal permission, I had a fever, a headache, my pelvis and chest were throbbing, my body was swollen, and I was inexplicably irritated. But strangely, after receiving the early dismissal note, my body seemed to gradually improve, and by the time I left the school gate, the aching pain that had been bothering me was completely gone. It really disappeared like Jesus healing a leper. Even my headache vanished. I guess our school has bad feng shui. Anyway, earlier I was really sick. Thinking about our classmates probably tearing their hair out over the math pop quiz made me feel a little sorry. Plus, sixth period was Mr. Byun Jae-ho's physics class, the human sleeping pill. If I hadn't left early today, I might have had to call 119 for an ambulance. So the teachers should be grateful to me. I voluntarily left early and recovered so cleanly. My body feels refreshed now, so I should spend this golden Friday afternoon meaningfully.
At the crosswalk on the other side of the intersection, Sani waved her hand. I slightly raised and lowered my hand. I didn't wave back. What a phony. She said this morning she wanted to skip class, but she left earlier than me and was waiting. Sani has been my best friend since ninth grade. If you want to find me at school, just look for where Sani is. We even go to the bathroom together. And during breaks, we're always stuck together. I don't know why, but when I'm with Sani, my mind feels at ease. There are hundreds of reasons I could give, but it's hard to accurately describe our relationship with them. I just like it.
Except for the fact that we're both only children, Sani and I have nothing in common. I'm a span taller than Sani, but that doesn't mean I'm tall. Sani is small and cute like a doll, so since middle school she's received several confessions from boys. But I've never received a confession, not even a friendly glance. I live with working parents and get plenty of allowance, while Sani has been living with just her grandmother since two years ago in this shabby rental apartment. Because her parents divorced early, Sani lived briefly with her dad, briefly with her biological mom, briefly with her uncle, and briefly with her aunt. She was passed around like a basketball from house to house, but Sani was always bright and cheerful. Of course, I couldn't tell if that was her true feelings or an act. I'm the type who gets depressed all day if it rains, so I was most envious of Sani's such sunny personality.
There was exactly one person Sani hated. Her biological mom. Sani never called her "mom" but always "biological mom." So her biological mom didn't seem like a mom but like a distant stranger. Looking at what Sani wrote in our <Gray Notebook>, her biological mom was a woman even Jesus would have trouble making repent. While Sani was eating leftovers at relatives' houses, her biological mom never contributed child support. On top of that, she alone swallowed the life insurance money from Sani's dad, who died two years ago. When her dad was nearing death, her uncle advised him to designate Sani's grandmother as the beneficiary for the insurance money. But for some reason, Sani's dad ignored that advice. Sani called her own dad an idiot fool, and she always said no one can beat an idiot. Her biological mom, who visited Sani every two or three months, thought she'd fulfilled her motherly duty by sending a tiny bit of allowance to Sani's account a few months ago.
Even though she couldn't afford academy, Sani's grades were in the upper ranks. Especially math. In contrast, I gave up on math long ago. Giving up made my mind feel at ease. Fortunately, I've seen news that due to population decline, universities are welcoming students. There must be some university somewhere that even a student like me who gave up on math can attend, so there's no point worrying in advance. The midterm reflection rate for first-year high school is only 20 percent. And there's still plenty of time until the CSAT. Actually, I'm incredibly lucky. Of course, I can't leave everything to luck, but I don't think it's bad to place a little hope in it. I've only been to Sani's house once. I was a bit scared and anxious because I'd only heard about the rental apartment, but contrary to my thoughts, Sani's apartment complex was very well organized. Sani's house was much smaller than ours, but spotlessly clean without a speck of dust. When Sani first came to our house, her surprised expression made me think it wasn't because our house was big, but because it was too messy and dirty.
"What excuse did you use? Did the teacher write the early dismissal note right away?" Sani said.
"Period cramps. But when I decided to lie, real period cramp symptoms appeared. My stomach hurt so much, my head was pounding, and my chest felt like it was being squeezed." I said, linking arms with Sani.
"You're a natural. Just by deciding, you can possess a girl who's having her period."
"Want to go to Hongdae and drink a cool iced coffee? It's so hot today, how about Starbucks?"
"I don't like that place."
"Then, want to go to our hair salon to get our hair done? Should we cut it a bit before it gets hotter? By the way, how did you get the early dismissal note?"
"I asked Grandma to text the teacher."
"What text?"
"Actually, I have to go see my biological mom at the hospital now."
"Why, is she sick?" "No, my biological mom hasn't sent allowance for three months already." Sani's expression darkened. "I said I'd go confront her about eating all of Dad's insurance money alone and not giving me my allowance, so Grandma texted the homeroom teacher. I don't know what she wrote, but the teacher even worried and told me to hurry home. Isn't our grandma really funny?"
"You didn't write about the delayed allowance in the Gray Notebook. You said it was a secret notebook?" I felt sorry for bringing up Starbucks and the hair salon without knowing Sani's situation, and I felt a bit upset that she had hidden something from me.
"I was embarrassed to say it. Sorry." Sani said, tickling my waist. "Anyway, today I have to go to my biological mom's hospital and cause a scene. That money isn't all hers anyway. Dad wanted to give it to me, so why is my biological mom swallowing it all alone? I'm really sick of this monthly allowance thing."
We transferred between subway and bus to go to the hospital where Sani's biological mom worked. It was a hospital where many foreign workers were hospitalized, and it was quite famous especially for finger reattachment surgery for people with severed fingers. Sani's biological mom was a head nurse in the inpatient ward. If her career hadn't been interrupted by marriage and childbirth, she would probably be a head nurse at a big hospital in the city by now, but reality didn't allow it. The large clock in the inpatient ward lobby pointed to 2:45.
"Good thing." Sani let out a sigh of relief. "She's a head nurse in the inpatient ward, so she starts at 7 and finishes at 3."
"Should I go to the nurses' station with you?"
"No, I'll wait in the lobby and then cause a ruckus in front of the patients."
We waited for Sani's biological mom in the hospital lobby. It seemed like all the sick workers of the world were gathered here. Thais, Vietnamese, Indians, and Filipinos talked in their own languages, but when someone from another country spoke, they communicated fluently in Korean. This was in stark contrast to a European dancer who said she'd lived in Seoul for over 10 years without ever feeling the need for Korean. The patients all had bandages on their hands and arms. I tried not to feel that way, but seeing this scene inevitably made me depressed.
Sani's biological mom came down to the lobby exactly at 3:05. When Sani vigorously waved both arms and strode toward her, her surprised biological mom couldn't get the words out, saying "You......, why are you here?" She looked like a woman whose big secret had been discovered. I muttered to myself, 'Pretending to be a virgin, caught red-handed.' Sure enough, Sani's biological mom grabbed Sani's wrist and tried to drag her out of the building. When Sani shouted "Give me my money!" and struggled, her biological mom quickly dragged Sani away. I picked up Sani's bag and ran after them. In front of the inpatient ward parking lot, Sani was yelling at her biological mom at the top of her lungs. I ran over and stood behind Sani. With both hands on my hips, I cheered Sani on with a confident look. Sani's biological mom took out her smartphone from her handbag and transferred three months of overdue allowance plus three months of future allowance to Sani's account. Then she shoved the transfer completion screen in front of Sani's nose and said "There, done." As Sani's biological mom walked deeper into the parking lot, she muttered, "Anyway, your behavior is exactly like your dad's."
Tears flowed from Sani's eyes. I took Sani's hand and led her to a bench under the cherry tree shade. After crying her heart out, Sani spat once and stood up.
"Let's go." There were still tears in Sani's eyes, but her voice was loud. "I'll buy you something delicious."
My heart swelled at Sani's words. The amount on the transfer completion screen Sani's biological mom showed was less than my two months' allowance. Including my tutoring fees, Sani's half-year allowance was ridiculously short compared to what I spent in a month.
"Then let's have the most delicious tteokbokki in the world." I said with a happy expression in an exaggerated tone.
The way from Sani's biological mom's hospital to Hongdae was long and tough. The bus to the subway station didn't come for a while, and when it did, it was packed. When one passenger complained about why it was so late, the bus driver explained that the bus in front had been in a minor accident. Then the passenger picked a fight, saying even so, how could it be this late. I didn't understand why he was arguing with the driver of the following bus about the accident in front. Once the bus started, he complained that the air conditioning was too weak. He grumbled on and on as if his purpose was to pick fights, making even other passengers uncomfortable.
The subway was just as packed with passengers. My legs were shaking so much I wanted to sit in the pregnant women's seat, but I couldn't bring myself to do it while wearing my school uniform. What if a photo of me titled 'High school pregnant woman' spread all over the internet the next day? In this world, having your personal info dug up once means your whole soul gets dug up and your life falls into ruin—easier than skipping class. Anyway, the price for skipping fifth period math and sixth period physics was that the Friday afternoon bus and subway were too awful.
While riding the subway to Hongdae, I was about to KakaoTalk my mom that I'd eat with Sani and come home when my mom's message came first. "Daughter, Mom might be a bit late today."
I replied in a slightly disappointed tone.
"Why? Eat alone again. Dad said he can't come home this week either."
Dad got transferred to Naju Innovation City last fall, so he only comes home every two weeks on Fridays. He spends the whole weekend saying he's tired, and on Sunday afternoon he takes the company bus back to Naju. Dad said even if it's free, riding the bus for over four hours is too hard. When I asked if he couldn't take the KTX, Dad said KTX is 100,000 won plus 40,000 won for taxi. So coming home to Seoul twice a month would be 280,000 won, four times 560,000 won. So I suggested he take KTX and taxi twice a month and give me half the transportation cost as allowance. Then Dad suggested our whole family move to Naju Innovation City instead. It ended up being dropped as if it never happened. It was sad that Dad wasn't home, but the good thing was we only had to see couple fights twice a month.
"You have the card Mom gave you, right?"
"Yeah."
"Call Sani too and order whatever you want to eat."
"Yeah."
"Daughter, let's go shopping this weekend. I'll buy you a few summer outfits."
When I saw the words "summer outfits," a good idea suddenly came to mind. "Mom, you know......"
"Why? Our daughter, did you suddenly think of something you want to do?"
"No."
"Tell me."
"Can I buy shorts and a short-sleeve top each with Sani at Abbe Road today?"
Even though the '1' indicator disappeared, there was no reply from Mom, so I felt a bit anxious, but since conversations often get interrupted because of work, I waited patiently. About twenty minutes later, the reply came.
"Then buy only one set each at Abbe Road. Mom will buy you nice clothes tomorrow. Love you. Our daughter."
I replaced "love you" with a barrage of emojis like bombs.
"I'm excited. Mom said she's late today." I said with a big smile. I hadn't brought up the summer clothes yet.
"Let's hang out in Hongdae and then go to our house. Mom said to order whatever you want at home with you. How about it?" Sani replied with a chuckle.
"Good."
While Sani was texting her grandmother, I started planning today's schedule in my head. 'As soon as we arrive in Hongdae, I'll go straight to Abbe Road and buy cool short-sleeve shirts and shorts. Stuff the dull school uniform in the bag and transform brightly with Sani. Then go eat tteokbokki. Order one set of Yeopgi Tteokbokki. I have to order set A that includes dumplings, vegetable fritters, and gimbap rolls too. Yeopgi Original is too spicy, so ordering Mild Spicy will let Sani eat it well too. Sani acts tough on the outside but is actually soft inside and can't eat spicy food well. Order one bowl of oden separately. That'll be over 20,000 won, what to do. Okay, tell Sani it's because my mom is buying. If Sani says no, since she has pride, ask for a Ryan ballpoint pen at Kakao Friends Store. Then I'll let her buy it and I should buy our second <Gray Notebook> as a gift at the Kakao Friends Store. She probably hasn't thought of that yet. And we should do the Starbucks healing that Garam likes the most too.'
When we came out of the subway station, Hongdae street was also packed with people. The narrow alleys were a chaotic mess with people, bicycles, motorcycles, cars, and buses all tangled up. I liked the crowded and dirty Hongdae streets more than our quiet neighborhood.
"I should've brought some casual clothes if I knew it'd be like this." I subtly brought up the clothes topic. "Our school uniforms stand out too much, right?"
"Then, want to buy one summer outfit each at Abbe Road?"
"Hey, do you have superpowers?"
"Superpowers?"
"I got permission from Mom via KakaoTalk earlier to buy summer clothes at Abbe Road. Let's buy one set each, you and me. My mom said she'd buy them."
"Really? But that's......" Before Sani could refuse, I linked arms with her and said in a nasal voice. "We can buy cheap ones, not expensive. Let's buy one set each as a souvenir from our Incheon trip today."
"Garam, you're so nice."
"Sani, don't cry."
"Do you know why I call my dad an idiot fool?"
"Because of the insurance money taken by your biological mom?"
"That's one reason, but also because of what Dad said at his deathbed."
"What was it?"
"He said there's both a Buddha or Jesus-like heart and an evil spirit's heart in a person's chest. When meeting people, connect with their good heart. But he himself met only others' evil spirits with his own evil spirit and lived in hell his whole life. Isn't it foolish that a grown adult realized that only when dying? Garam is only seventeen but already knows all that. My dad is a real idiot fool."
I didn't answer Sani's words but expressed my feelings by tightening my arm link more. With tears dried, Sani and I walked vigorously toward Abbe Road. Even though it wasn't a sale period, the store was so crowded there was no room to step. Sani picked a checkered short-sleeve shirt and yellow shorts, and the already cute kid looked even cuter. Walking Hongdae streets in that outfit would probably have college guys lining up to ask for her number. I picked a white round-neck shirt and orange shorts. We stuffed our school uniforms in the bag and came out of Abbe Road in casual clothes.
The round-neck shirt made my neck look too long, which bothered me, but since Sani said it was fine, I decided not to worry about it anymore. On the way to eat tteokbokki, two college guys asked Sani for her number. Probably because of the round-neck shirt, but no one asked for mine. I told Sani it was annoying to respond to each one, so she should make her phone number into a name tag and wear it on her chest from the beginning. Sani said that was a really good idea and that when she becomes a college student, she'll definitely do that, smiling brightly. Before I knew it, Sani's smile spread to my face too. We laughed together and strolled through Hongdae streets.
A few days ago, Garam had been begging in the <Gray Notebook> with all kinds of aegyo to skip afternoon classes on Friday and go play in Hongdae. Garam was affected by the weather. No gloomy rain fell, no depressing wind blew, and warm sunlight poured down, making her heart flutter and want to go out. This spring had unusually bad fine dust and yellow dust, so even the early heat felt like a blessing. Garam had no time for herself on weekends because of her parents. Her dad, who came home once every two weeks, treated Garam like she was in his pocket, and her mom, an advertising agency executive, crammed all the mothering she couldn't do during the week into Saturday and Sunday. Lucky girl.
I liked fifth period math the most, but sixth period physics was really, well, let's not talk about it. A few days ago, Mr. Byun Jae-ho cited a survey during class that 56 percent of high school students would commit crimes and go to prison if they got 1 billion won, and endlessly nagged us as if we were potential criminals. I really hated the type who think the world won't turn without their nagging. I don't know why adults do such trashy surveys. Instead of setting an example by saying it's wrong to sell your conscience for 1 billion, they seem to just sneer at us high schoolers, 'See, you're no different.' People who think they're adults just because they've aged are the worst.
Yeah, let's skip afternoon classes today. Well, it's not just because of Garam. Actually, my biological mom hadn't sent allowance for three months. She wouldn't answer calls or reply to texts. This week I managed with coins in the drawer, but next week I'd be completely broke. It's dirty and pathetic, but I had no choice but to go confront my biological mom. Getting treats from Garam was fine once or twice, but I was really at the point where my soul might evaporate. Why didn't that idiot fool dad listen to uncle and change the insurance beneficiary to grandma? He said he had a conscience and would take care of my allowance himself, but it was all talk. He never sent it on time. I had to call or text to get it sent. There's no better excuse than 'I'm busy.'
Should I start a part-time job? No, absolutely not. I don't want to waste my precious time for a few bucks of allowance. I'm going to college. A good one too. It's better for our family's situation and my temperament to go all-in on the CSAT rather than compete with school records or admissions. I'd rather die than suck up to others. Just endure for two and a half more years. I'll enter as a scholarship student and go my own way proudly. When I show the college acceptance letter to uncle, aunt, and cousin, they'll all be shocked. Cousin acted friendly in front of adults but did all kinds of bad things behind my back. Eventually, I couldn't stand her nagging and moved from the big house to grandma's.
Cousin entered college this year, but no matter how many times I hear the school name, I can't remember it. I don't understand why she'd go to a university that's obviously going to close in a few years because it can't recruit freshmen. If I get into the university I have my eye on, everyone will have a stroke. I must never tell big aunt, whose clothes size is 2XL, about passing. She might really get a stroke. Big aunt had a slight stroke two years ago. Not only did gamer cousin spend hundreds of thousands on game items, but he also lost over ten million on internet gambling sites. Just how much money is ten million anyway?
Cousin and cousin brother were so stupid it was hard to tell who was stupider, but cousin sister was slightly stupider. Because cousin brother knew he was stupid, but cousin sister didn't even know that. The two were such enemies that whenever they met, they fought, and sadly, among the many nonsense things they said, that was the only truth.
I decided to skip afternoon classes and got early dismissal permission from the homeroom teacher, then waited for Garam at the intersection in front of school. After about 10 minutes, I saw Garam and waved big, but she just slightly raised and lowered her hand. As expected from a phony. But when she came to me, linking arms tightly was cute. As soon as Garam saw me, she excitedly chattered about going to Starbucks in Hongdae or the hair salon. Garam, who knew my situation, always paid for my stuff too. I wasn't exactly envious of the Starbucks diary Garam collected every year, but someday when I have one, I want to say to Garam, "Here, take this." Still, to me, the <Gray Notebook> was far more precious than any diary. I wrote about 87 percent truth in the <Gray Notebook>. If I didn't have that notebook, I might have gone crazy. We've been writing line by line since fall of ninth grade, and it's now filled with stories to the point there's no blank page left. Garam nags me for hiding a lot in the <Gray Notebook>, but she's the same. Last summer in the parking lot, Garam's mom...... No, I won't say it. I don't want to blab about things Garam didn't write in the notebook. Anyway, Garam also writes only about 87 percent truth in the <Gray Notebook>. Maybe it's better not to reveal the rest. Just looking at my idiot fool dad and biological mom, there's nothing scarier than the full truth. Maybe people maintain distance and live comfortably thanks to appropriate pretense. Without pretense, there'd be no dignity, and people's relationships would become a vacuum, easily hurting each other without resistance. The 13 percent margin between Garam and me keeps us from casting shadows on each other and makes us clear.
I was a bit surprised when Garam insisted on coming with me to the hospital in Incheon where my biological mom worked. At first, I said I'd go alone and she should wait at Starbucks in Hongdae. Then Garam got sulky, so I couldn't not take her. In the end, we transferred subways and buses and went on an expedition far to Incheon. It had been almost six months since I'd seen my biological mom. She hated me because I resembled Dad. I hated that biological mom too. The justification for her hating me was weak, but my reasons for hating her were clear and justified. Only idiots are nice to people who hate them. The dad dying in the hospital talked about good nature and evil spirits like he was Buddha or Jesus, but he missed what was really important. Living briefly with Dad, briefly with biological mom, briefly with uncle, briefly with aunt, and briefly with grandma, if there's one thing I realized, it's the absolute unchanging truth that kind words in lead to kind words out. After causing a big scene to get the allowance, I won't look back and will just leave. I probably won't come again.
In the crowded subway, Garam put in earphones saying she was listening to music. How nice it would be if Garam studied a bit harder. For first year, the midterm reflection is only 20 percent, but Garam often seems more like a fourth grader than a first-year high schooler. I wonder if she knows that the first mock exam ranking stays the same until the CSAT. It'd be better to go to similar universities to stay close even after college. Still, Garam is the best. Garam was very different from me, who was dry like a pile of hay. People are mostly made of water, but my body and mind have been in drought for years. I don't even want to imagine what would have happened if I hadn't met a river-like Garam.
It took 1 hour 30 minutes to reach the hospital where my biological mom worked. She was now a head nurse in the inpatient ward, but previously worked in the outpatient ward. Before marriage, she was famous for being good in the operating room. My biological mom always called the operating room the "surgery room." She first met Dad, who was hospitalized for a minor car accident, at the hospital. Even now, thinking about that incident makes her burst with anger, repeatedly saying "I'm the crazy bitch who fell for a malingerer patient." Dad, who died at forty-three, was according to relatives a con-man type with no ability. He supposedly took quite a bit of money from my biological mom's family too.
According to big aunt, the most rational and neutral in our family, there's no need to curse my biological mom too much for taking Dad's life insurance money. Maybe Dad wanted to repay the debt he owed her with the insurance money. When I lived in the big house, big aunt had me call her mom, but I didn't particularly dislike that. Big aunt tried hard to actually act like a mom, and thanks to that, I didn't go down the wrong path. The big house, which had a proper family atmosphere, was often better than grandma's, which was outdated in every way from the beginning. Big aunt was my last emergency exit. When I really had nowhere to turn, I'd call big aunt. Then she'd send the necessary money without asking why. Of course it wasn't big money, but I received secret allowance like that exactly three times.
At 3:05, my biological mom came down to the lobby. I took a big breath and ran to her, but my heart was pounding so fast I couldn't say anything. My biological mom was surprised too and stuttered as she tried to drag me out of the building. I struggled and shouted "Give me my money!" Then my biological mom quickly dragged me outside. I yelled at the top of my lungs to give me my money with all my strength. At that moment, nothing was visible. I only thought this was do or die. I knew Garam was next to me, but I wasn't embarrassed. I'd seen much worse situations. But I didn't become a bad kid, and I wasn't caught up in victim mentality resenting others. Rather, I didn't want people to pity my situation, so I didn't show any signs. Teachers always spent time on problem kids and didn't pay attention to normal ones. I wanted to be a normal kid who didn't need attention, so I tried harder than anyone. But at this moment, if I didn't explode everything, it felt like I'd be a loser forever. I was only seventeen, but I knew better than anyone that holding back anger when you need to express it means paying several times the price later.
My biological mom dragged me to the parking lot, took out her smartphone from her handbag, and sent six months' worth of allowance including the overdue amount. In the end, I won. I didn't even cry. But when my biological mom walked deeper into the parking lot muttering "Anyway, your behavior is exactly like your dad's," tears flowed down without me realizing. I clenched my fists and tried hard not to make any crying sound. But when Garam held my hand, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. After crying my heart out, instead of feeling drained, fighting spirit for life surged up. Wiping my tears, I vowed never to fall into self-pity no matter what hopeless things happen or things don't go as wanted. I spat hard once with all my strength and stood up from the bench.
On the bus and subway to Hongdae, Garam was smiling while KakaoTalking as if something exciting had happened. We waited over twenty minutes under the scorching sun for the bus, and the subway was packed, but she didn't show any sign of tiredness, which made me feel sorry. When Garam was happy that she got permission from her mom to spend dinner time with me, I decided to let Garam do whatever she wanted today. 'Garam said she came to Hongdae after a long time, so she'll probably suggest going to Abbe Road to buy clothes. This time I should take the lead first. Last year's summer clothes don't fit anymore since they've gotten small, and it's time for me to get new summer clothes anyway. When we go to Yeopgi, I'll order Garam's favorite Original instead of Mild today. It's a bit spicy, but if I scrape off the sauce, it's not too bad to eat. I said I'd buy the Yeopgi, but Garam will probably insist on paying using her mom's excuse. Then I'll let Garam buy that, and I should gift our second <Gray Notebook> from the Kakao Friends Store. Probably even Garam wouldn't have thought of this. And we should also do that Starbucks healing thing, which Garam likes the most.'
As I was immersed in happy thoughts like this on the subway, we arrived at Hongdae station before I knew it. As expected, when we came out of the subway, Garam subtly brought up the casual clothes topic. I took the lead as planned and suggested going to Abbe Road to buy summer clothes. Then Garam said she already got permission from her mom and suggested buying summer clothes for me too. My nose tingled and tears welled up. Linking arms, Garam considered my pride by calling it a souvenir from the Incheon trip. Suddenly thinking of my idiot fool dad, I told her about his bullshit philosophy about Buddha or Jesus hearts and evil spirits. Garam silently tightened her arm link more, which was her signal of full agreement with my words.
After buying cool summer outfits each at Abbe Road, Garam and I strolled Hongdae streets to conquer Yeopgi. It was Friday afternoon, so the streets were packed. People bumped shoulders advancing and retreating.
"Garam, your shoelace is untied."
I squatted down and tied Garam's sneaker lace.
"Garam, your period......"
Before I could finish, Garam shouted.
"Wow! Good thing."
Garam and I had been bothered that we used fake period cramps as an excuse to skip, but now we felt somewhat justified. Well, not completely......
-The End-